RIP grimace

I’ve got some sad news to share with everyone.
Grimace from McDonaldland is dead.

Yes, it’s true, that lovable, huggable retard is dead. He’s left us with nothing but sweet memories of his cottage cheese thighs and now we must find a way to cope (before the tears start to flow, feel free to take a moment to visit your local McDonalds for some comfort food).

Born in 1971 to Frown and Clench Jones of Dutch ancestry, he quickly outgrew his surroundings (literally and figuratively). During his adolescent years he suffered discrimination due his abnormally large toes and extra set of arms. Desperately trying to find himself, he moved to the sprawling city of McDonaldland, where things quickly took a turn for the worse.

He became engulfed in a life of petty crime and risky nutritional behavior, leading to numerous stints in jail. One such event involved Grimace single handedly beating the crap out of each and every member of the Burger King Kid’s Club with no regard to race, disability or species.

But nothing compared to an infamous incident in the summer of 1978. Grimace found himself in deep trouble with the law after a robbery spree consisting of stealing eight extra-large milkshakes from every McDonalds Restaurant in the Greater McDonaldland Area, a feat even the Hamburgler in his prime would never have attempted.

                                                           Scene of infamous crime.

His actions created a media frenzy, putting Grimace on the world’s stage. The New York Times headline the following day read:

“The Evil Grimace: Ronald knows is round and purple and has big toes. He carries shakes in every hand as he scurries through McDonaldland.”

After spending 18 months in a state penitentiary, Grimace returned to the public forefront both humbled and enlightened. In an effort to shed his ‘evil’ past, he elected to surgically remove his big toes as well as his extra pair of arms. The surgery was revolutionary in the fact that it had never been attempted before and carried the risk of death throughout the procedure. The operation was also notorious for being the first successful surgery performed by Dr. Robert Rey, of E!’s Dr. 90210 fame.

Although he rarely spoke of his time in jail, he candidly discussed it during a 60 Minutes interview in 1999:
“I basically just watched alot of Richard Simmons videos. He taught me, you should always try to lose weight, even if you’ve tried for thirty years and look like a purple retard and nothing has come of exercising. Just keep trying.”

                                          “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.”

In the years following, Grimace was a big part of the McDonalds family. Time and time again, he teamed with Ronald to take down the Hamburgler. It looked as if Grimace had finally turned things around. At one point he was so popular that there was a Children’s book written based on his life.
Excerpt from the book:
Grimace is a big, loving, fuzzy purple fellow who is Ronald McDonald’s best friend. He’s sure Ronald is the world’s ultimate authority on everything. While Grimace loves all McDonald’s foods, he’s absolutely crazy about milkshakes. Grimace is very enthusiastic and eager to try new things. His joyous spirit helps everyone overlook the fact he’s a little slow and clumsy sometimes.

Unfortunately, the things he was “eager” and “enthusiastic” to try were hard drugs. A drug habit triggered by a falling out with Ronald sent shockwaves through the community. Apparently, the tension began when Ronald and Grimace both fell in love with the same girl (pictured below).


Although he preached his “Fit Life” mantra, he never managed to fully steer away from is life long diet of 10 shakes, 16 Big Macs, 46 Extra-Large fries and 1 salad, per meal. Friends and family knew it was only a matter of time before he succumbed to his unquenchable thirst for trans fats (not to be confused with fat trannies). In late 2007, he had reached a monumental weight of 2900 lbs.

                                                            Seconds before his death.

Although the actual cause of death has not been determined, he likely died of from a combination of fatness and drug overdose…but mostly the fatness because you honestly would have to round up all the drugs in the world to die from a drug overdose if you were THAT FAT.