CAPTAIN AMERICA comme smasher!

 Once again i find myself groveling for apology for lack of blogging, hopefully soon i will have finished my novel and can share it with you all. Until then here's Captain America. who, for the record, is without a doubt the best superhero. Ever.

Hey everybody. It's Halloween. Great.

I shall apologise for lack of posting lately-AKA no posting. I thought i had set up a wireless connection inside my head that sent my thoughts and ideas and vocalised them into posts. wells, apparently you cannot set up a wireless network inside your cranium, which is news to me quite frankly.

Every single computer in existence has decided to butcher my blogging hopes and dreams.
Never mind, lets continue

As you have have deduced it's Halloween pretty soon and whats says Halloween like terrible celebrity themed wigs.

I have also changed the header for Halloween. which is also pretty darn cool.
Maybe the worlds of Internet shall let me enter soon, but until that time GOODBYE.

Pop Tart Memoires

Every so often a occasion so momentous occurs. Today was one of those days. As i write, my eye's are being drawn to the colourful packaging of what used to be a Pop Tart. How did I obtain this wonder of artificial goodness? Let's continue.

It was Sunday morning and i was confused about daylight savings- Hour forward or Hour back? My little brother wanted to go to rebel sports and buy some goalie glove's or something, so we hopped in the car and off we drove. After making it there he tripped down the stairs- which looked pretty cool if you ask me.

And just like in the movies he escaped with merly a few cuts and scrapes. Afterwards, we walked into the sports shop and what followed was what seemed to be hours  worth of wondering around waiting while family member's tried on sports clothing and stuff.

Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity we left the shop and progressed onwards to, in my opinion the main event.

Martha's backyard is a shop of wonder. All products are imported from the USA, which as many of you know is quite the obsession of mine.
As i walked into the shop the smell of what i guessed was cornsyrup hit me and i immediately felt at home. Surrounding me were racks and racks of American clothes, food and everything else under the sun.

After througly searching the store over and trying on a few clothes here and there i settled on a packet of two Pop Tarts- brown sugar cinnamon flavour, My little borther opted for the red vines- although spat them out once trying them, and my sister opted to stay at home and sleep in.

On the drive home- i finally examined the ingredients. And honestly i coudnt be bothered writing them down, but trust me there are lots, and there are more numbers than words.

On the poptart website i found this coment which i believe sum's up the amazing american way of life.

PJ, FloridaI just bought the whole entire shelf of Popsters that Walmart had left these things are the BOMB Please keep them
Posted: September 23, 2010
Once i had arrived home i was excited to try my toaster treat ( Pop tarts are not normally sold in NZ) although i was slightly disheartened upon tasting the red vines. Which tasted strange, the only way to describe them is 'wrong'. I bustled through the door and ripped open the packet, and i was greeted by two carboard thin pastry thingies. From reading the packet in the car i knew to heat them on the lowest temp. in the toaster.
After waiting paitiently they finally came out, yet i was quite disapointed they didn't pop out into my hand like on TV, instead i had to turn of the toaster and use a knife to scoop them out. Maybe on the journey from the USA to NZ they lost their 'pop power'.
Finally i sampled one cautiously, after being warned that they may burn my tounge off, and was delighted. I kept biting until the Pop Tart became nothing more than a distant memory and 550 calories.
*cannot post for two weeks, holidays!*

FOR YOU CHEWING GUM i'll trade you 2 dollars, a lollipop and my wife

Today I have taken it upon myself to write about WIFESWAP.
well firstly you have a strict family and a mellow family. Now the rule remains the same but in each episode the strict family and the mellow one has a differnce. They are opposites. like one family is obese chicken loving goodness and one is a military style boot camp.
that was actually an episode. LOOK

the show starts with a little intro thingy which always get you excited with things like

then they introduce the families, like i mentioned before they are polar opposites

for the next week the wife will swap families and live their lifestyle.
at first they see the house in which they live in and the camera zooms up all over their schoked expressions. sometimes they even mumur to themselves "i cant believe they can live like this"
at first there is heaps of conflict between the families because of their differences

but after a while they begin to accept each others lifestyles. although normally the mellow wife and the strict husband hate each other till the very end but the strict mum and the mellow dad are best of friends. remember in that episode where the mellow dad who collects pens ended up marrying the wife he swapped. Well i did.
in the end they play that  catchy song to a montage of the couples being reunited.
i almost forgot. in the really old episodes they had 100grand to award the family in the ways they was thought was  nessecery but i guess they have cheaped out.



THE war has begun! Not the war on petrol or pencil inflation but the war on *shudder*  lasagna. Therefore i have started a campaign. It is the campaign to pronounce lasagna like la-sag-na. And although the campaign is still in the works i will reveal some of the posters and slogans, soon to be released.

firstly, here is the main poster. (PRETTY AWESOME!)
And next are the advirtisments explaining why la-sag-na can improve the condition of the earth.

eg- the newzealand herald should look like this
and all the nz info books should look like this-
it says 'nw renamed la-sag-na land' damn you pixelation
see you then(:

oh, you are just PRECIOUS!

I have taken it upon myself to redo the ending of some sad movies so it ends better. Simple enough, right? So, if i may i will start with a movie that is extremely extremely depressing. its all about a fat girl called precious, and she is really really fat! she weighs like 4gabillion tonnes ( exaggeration maybe..) and her dad rapes her, her mum abuses her, she has AIDS and two down syndrome kids. so yeah, pretty much if i was directing the movie this is how it would have ended...

Firstly, we should kill of, her mum, dad and kids cause they just screw up her life even more. They got hit by a school bus.

Next up, is the fact the she is obese. in this case she bruised her shins, and went to get a plaster but accidentally gave herself a gastric bypass ( as you do)

Now, with her new body, she scored a role in a hit new movie and made millions! Not to mention starting of a very promising new acting career.

Next up she read a book, and realized she was not illiterate, but actually really smart ( for years she had been holding the book upside down) she then went to Yale and had a grand old time.

                                     And finally, she had the wedding of her dreams
I think i may have ruined the whole movie, but oh well.

I QUIT! *no, not really*

lets be honest. I don't have a job, and I do not know exactly what job I want and how I am going to get it.
But, thanks to everybody's these peoples wonderful examples  I sure as hell know how I am going to quit.

Steven Slater has gained a special kind of notoriety these past couple days after quitting his flight attendant job after cursing out a customer, grabbing a beer, and sliding down the emergency chute. He ended up being arrested, but imagine the vindication he felt sliding down that chute? Totally worth it

Although now this has been dubbed a hoax  yesterday a girl going by the name of "Jenny" got America's attention by "quitting" her job via dry-erase board. We really hope that someone takes the idea to quit by emailng a photo essay to every employee at the company, especially if it exposes your boss' FarmVille obsession.

Neil Berret wins for most creative resignation letter, which he had written on a sheet cake in frosting. See his Flickr to read the resignation letter. 
A programmer for a company called 2K quit his job by creating a Mario flash game for his employers to play. With each score, the words "I QUIT!" flash incessantly on the screen, providing his ex-bosses with some pleasure with their inconvenience.

I love this so much! This guy wanted to quit his job at Borders. Sounds simple enough, right? But he also wanted to go out with bang. Conveniently, the 7th Harry Potter book was about to be released, so he brought a video camera into the stock room and started revealing the much-anticipated plot. This guy 1, Borders 0

yep, thats enough blogging for about a week








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Auf Wiedersehen old Heidi

Guess the celebrity under all these beautiful additions.
 I will give you a small hint.
 It's Heidi Klum.
Breakdown of the things in this beauty
  • Swarm of flies
  • Hair of that lady who is like evil, and is someones wife... and he is evil too. Like Mrs. Dracula or something
  • Emo punk kid's nose and peircing thing.
  • Body of biggest loser contestant ( before the show, obviously)
  • Spider
  • Goofy fake ears
  • Hand of Britney Spears ( smoking the cigarette)
  • Eyes of Alison  from ANTM
  • Monobrow of a terrorist
  • Old Arab man's teeth and beard
  • Lyrics to that Catchy but dodgy song
( the blond hair in the back is Heidi's)

Weirdly enough that list sounded more like a potion.
And just for old times sake here is the original  picture, AKA the ( insert witty name for picture here) one!


I have a dream. I have a dream that I will one day live in a nation which is filled with community pools and junk food so random it is hilarious and products based on kids movies. LOTS of products based on kids movies. So, what is this utopia of awesomeness you say. Well, I say, its AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love America. everything about America is wonderful. But somethings are more awesome than other, so i have compiled a list.
  • community pools( always in books)
  • pop tarts!!!!!!! ( need not say no more)
  • more weird but cool junk food ( pancake on a stick anybody?)
  • soft drinks
  • saying the word mum like MOM. ( ha!!)
  • products based on movies! ( toy story yogurt anybody?)
  • funny blogs about your wholesome American families
  • wife swap
  • clean streets ( on TV)
  • bad bad bad reality TV
  • late shows
  • celebrities
  • supermarkets!!( we have supermarkets over in NZ but they just aren't as American they could be)
  • funny commercials
  • American hospitals
  • The Internet.
  • The Constitution and the Bill of Rights
  • Baseball
  • Mount Rushmore
  • Rock and roll
  •  Hawaii iPod, iPad, and everything Apple
     Ford Mustang
     Slam dunks
     Mark Twain
    The national anthem
     Iced drinks
    Madison Square Garden
    Delivery pizza
    The Grateful Dead
     The Super Bowl
  • Fishing
     The Big Apple Circus
     Pickup trucks
  •  The Simpsons
     Oprah Winfrey
    Mad Men
     New York/Boston sports rivalrary
    MRI machine
    Archie Comics
  • The Golden Gate Bridge
  •  Jazz
    Trader Joe’s
     The 4th of July
    Harley Davidson
     March Madness
  • Kegs
    . Slip ‘N Slide
  •  Ice cream
    Yellowstone National Park
    Edward R. Murrow
    Restaurant week
    Washington D.C. monuments at night
     Bugs Bunny
     Etch A Sketch
    . Coca-cola
    Flip flops
     Vegas weddings
    Napa wine
     Willie Nelson
  • . eBay
     Blue jeans
    County fairs
    The Oscars
     Sports mascots
    The Great Lakes
     Salt water taffy
     Roller coasters
     Bonnie and Clyde
    Chewing gum
     Dalmatians on fire trucks
     Disney movie
  • Elvis Presley
     Spring Break
     Redwood trees
    Bendy straws
    Charlie Brown

SHORT story

Hello, blog readers, i have been working on a super secret project. Which has got me all busy, and so. but i still found time for my blog readers. how sweet. so i found some time to write this short story for you. ( copyright and all) i hope you enjoy reading it!

“John, you will be working with Paige”. His teacher announced in a harsh tone. John cringed; those were the words he had never wanted to hear, ever... But what made it worse by 99% was the fact that it was for the science fair. He turned his head and there she was cheerful, smiley, way too happy and just so odd. She didn’t know a thing about New Zealand and something about her was just so unsettling. In fact, come to think of it not something, everything.
That, was eight weeks ago John still hated the memory of it. The beginning of eight weeks of pure torture, and for what? The project was an absolute disaster and Paige couldn’t do anything right. He didn’t want to be associated with what the project turned out to be, but of course Paige was still ecstatic. How someone could be so happy, John could never know. Every weekend she had come over to his house and had poked, broken and ruined everything. She was a walking disaster! He purely loathed her.

“Hey John!” there she was…again. He stopped daydreaming about hating her and reality set in. He was in a noisy their school playground with kids running around, screaming and yelling. Normally he would feel at home in these surroundings, but today he felt disconnected.

“Yes Paige, what’s up?” he inquired, with no interest in her answer.

“Well, I was like thinking maybe you could come with me after their school tomorrow to look at the science fair projects?” she answered, untouched by his tone of voice. “Sure, okay” replied John, as he had learnt that it was better to just agree with Paige than argue with her. “Great” she said, even more joyful than usual, “tomorrow, six thirty, their school hall” she called as she ran off leaving John to ponder the colossal mistake he’d just made.

“Bye darling!” John’s mother yelled from the car. He forced a smile and waved goodbye, but she was already driving down the long road that connected THEIR SCHOOL to the rest of the city. Not that John cared though, he was already angry at his mum for making Paige give him a ride back home. John sighed and looked around; he was in the dark empty THEIR SCHOOL car park. But it was the fact that the car park was empty puzzled John; it’s the science fair project open night, so where are all the people? John asked himself as he raced through the gloomy, eerie version of THEIR SCHOOL the cold winter’s night exposed, all the way to into the their school hall.

John stared in bewilderment as he peered into the their school hall. He didn’t dare to go in. The burning curiosity regarding where all the people were, once again hounded him. The dazzling luminescent light fixtures flooded the hall and the science projects in intense brightness, but there were no people inside. That single observation puzzled and frustrated John, to such an extent he was about to break down in tears of frustration. He continued to ponder this fact in utter anguish until a single bitter tear rolled down his cheek and landed with an almost noiseless splash on the cold hard ground. John wiped his eyes and looked around. This just made him more distressed and upset. He was partially freezing to death in the dark and eerie their school court. He sighed, where was Paige? Another silent tear rolled down his cheek. It wasn’t that he was scared no, not scared. John wasn’t scared, he was petrified.

As Paige raced towards John with a silly grin plastered on her face, a flood of relief hurried through John. He couldn’t actually believe he was glad to see her, but he was, and at this point of time he couldn’t have cared less, because he finally had a comp their school on on this cold and frightening night. He was no longer alone and thank god for that, John mused.

“Hey John!” John grimaced as Paige called out interrupting his thoughts, “let’s go in” she said enthusiastically.

“It, its empty” John retorted, stating the obvious.

“I figured that, you big dummy” replied Paige in an impatient tone of voice that John had never heard her use before. John was speechless, shocked by this new demanding, impatient version of Paige.

“I, I, I,” stammered John.

“Now follow me into the hall and we are going to look at the projects together” commanded Paige as she grabbed his hand and, roughly dragged him into the bright empty hall, John looked around the otherwise empty hall, apart from the hundreds of science projects neatly placed on an island of tables. But the thing John really noticed was the smell; the room stunk of spray paint, rotten food and vinegar. John wrinkled his nose in disgust. He sighed deeply and surveyed his surroundings; he was standing in the doorway of a putrid hall that stank of experimental smells, his hand was knuckle white as Paige was still holding it forcefully. He sighed and swore under his breath. This was going to be a long night.

Paige practically dragged John as she gave him a detailed description of what every project meant to her, and if it wasn’t bad enough she actually examined and read what the projects said- aloud! John was purely gob smacked; this was crazy, even by Paige standards. In fact it was so crazy that John couldn’t even think of a witty, but offensive comment that could stop Paige in her tracks. He searched his mind for something to say but nothing came out, for once in his life John was speechless and he hated it! So, that was how Paige managed to stroll around with John in her clutch while John based his attention on two main subjects, he was actually so focused on these that he didn’t apprehend Paige’s constant babble, it really amazed John how she could continue to talk without John ever replying, nor did John appreciate the steady grip she continued to hold around his hand. John didn’t actually mind this method; he would ponder the two things that perplexed him, where all the people were, as it was now almost halfway through the open night and how to get out of this place as soon as possible, while Paige kept up her constant babble. This was seriously getting weird. Then all of a sudden…

Crash! John turned his head in shock, even Paige stopped talking and they both turned their heads in the direction the sound came from. Neither one of them could see over the science projects stacked up on the tables, but they both knew something big had happened. They both turned their attention to the roof; there was a vast hole that spread across most of the large roof. Neither of the children dared to speak but exchanged shocked and worried glances, and at that moment John knew that tonight, until they were safe, he and Paige were in this together because it was no longer a matter of petty playground arguments. John had an unpleasant feeling that night was probably going to be a matter of life and death.
John stared at Paige and signaled that they should go under the table closest to them, which a few science projects stood on they could whisper without the sound travelling to whatever had just crashed through the roof of their their school hall. Paige nodded in agreement and crawled under the table followed by John. Once under the table Paige asked “what do you think it is?”

“No idea” replied John, “A plane crash maybe?” interrupted Paige
“Shhhhhhhhhhhhh” hissed John “listen”.

All this time, the smash of wood breaking of what used to be a roof, was noise enough-but as what sounded like the last piece of wood hit the floor, a new and terrifying noise filled the still air. John and Paige listened to what was best described as a series of inaudible squeaks and groans. Neither children dared to say anything, but curiosity got the better of John as he lifted the tablecloth just enough to peer out from under the table and see who or what was making the noise. He then silently slammed down the table cloth as he felt a hot sticky liquid trickle down his pants, it then registered with John he had peed his pants. But he couldn’t have cared less, because at this moment he wanted to be anywhere else in the world but where he was now, because their ‘mystery visitor’ was not from earth, because the ‘mystery visitor’ was a hideous alien. John had to do everything he could to stop himself from screaming.

Immediately John turned around back to Paige and whispered “there is an alien in the their school hall”.

“Really? Well was he travelling with pink fairies and two unicorns on their way to candy mountain” Paige replied in a mocking tone struggling not to bust out in a fit of laughter. John stared at her and gestured for her to look out from under the table cloth, she did and about ten seconds later she stuck her head back under the table, her mocking grin was now gone and was replaced by a very pale and scared face. “Oh my god” was all she could say. They were both frozen in fear but John had to do something “Paige, we need to get out of here quickly” said John in a careful tone of voice. She nodded, and finally began to talk, “firstly we need to get out from this table, and since there are the science projects on top of tables we wont be seen by…it” she said hastily, John nodded in agreement and silently crawled out from under the table and stood up, Paige soon did the same. John was just about to open his mouth in attempt to org their schools a plan that could get them out of there alive when Paige tripped. She was standing up one minute and the next; she had lost her footing and went hurdling into a bunch of five science projects. John stared at her numbed by the incidence that had occurred, and then John realized that the alien was staring right at them.

John finally managed to look straight at the alien; his face was half human and half alien, literally. The alien half of his face was a green bumpy texture without any facial features except for a small round eye that seemed lifeless, glassy and still. The human side just looked like an average thirty something year old man. A jagged line of what looked like stitches connected the two faces. John was frozen in fear just staring at him, and the alien hurled four tables across the hall without actually moving. Paige swiftly stood up and swore under her breath at the alien’s power. “We have got to get out of here” John cried out, grabbing Paige just in time, as twenty chairs suddenly flew across the room crashing through the windows above them sending a shower of shattering glass raining down, slicing and cutting Paige and John as they frantically raced around the room. Then they both realized there was no hope.

John raced through the dark hall running into tables and science projects, frantically searching for a way to escape, another chair flew over his head and through yet another window. Then it came to him, he had a plan that would save his life and allow him to escape, free of harm. A plan that would leave Paige, all alone fighting for her life. A plan that could possibly end Paige’s life and save John’s. A good plan, but a selfish plan. Thoughts like these bombarded John’s head as he ran to the window that he would escape from. He stood still as he stared up at the window that was so high up, so close to the roof. There were ledges that he could climb on, but it would still be hard to reach the top. But John didn’t care. He climbed and climbed, and did not look down until he could no longer hear the faint screams of Paige below him, fighting for her life. He stared up; once again at the window that was now so much closer than before, he could feel the cool night’s air rush in through the large hole surrounded by a border of jagged glass. John took a deep breath and embarked on the last part of his climb to safety. But then a chair flew past John and landed through the window just beside the one that John needed to climb though. John tensed in the realization that the alien had spotted his attempt to escape and was trying to put a stop to it. The impact of the aliens throw made the glass on John’s window quiver and tremble until it started to fall from the remains of the window and onto John. He successfully avoided the falling glass and repositioned himself; his arms were stretched out above him clinging to a petite ledge. Then all in one swift move a large chunk of glass above him gave way, toppled, and landed right in the middle of his hand. John winced at the immense pain of the incident, pulled out the glass and continued to climb upwards until he reached a point where he could climb no longer. His fingers lightly gripped the thick windowsill as his feet dangled in the air, as there were no more ledges he could stand on. His wound had been bleeding but now the blood rushed out of the deep wound, trickled down his arm and leaked into his eyes. The whole effect stung his eyes and altered his vision. So in one unthinkable act, without giving it a thought, he took his cut and wounded hands and attempted to wipe the blood out of his eyes. Before he knew it he felt the air rush past his face as he plummeted to the hard, wooden ground.

John blinked once, twice, three times and looked around. Was he dead? He didn’t know where he was or why he was there or how much time had passed, but then it came flooding back to him. He immediately looked at his arm to see Paige’s cardigan tightly tied around his cut. John immediately felt like an idiot, she had saved his life when he was so ready to play a part in ending hers. John got up and right away his head ached, but all the same he looked around and recognized his surroundings to be the science room; Paige must have fought with the alien and left him in the science room. So, thought John, where was she now? Suddenly, John heard fighting sounds up the hallway and realized that’s where Paige must have been. John got to his feet and was about to exit the room, to go help Paige as he should of last time, but realized he didn’t want a repeat of what happened last time, and raced next door into the food tech room where he grabbed two steak knifes. He then ran to where the noise was coming from but realized the noise was everywhere. But why, John thought. After as much thinking as his injured head would allow, John realized the noise must be coming over the intercom. That made sense, thought John, while fighting Paige must have pressed the button that activates the intercom. John picked up a nearby chair and chucked it at a close by window. He then climbed through the window, which was luckily close to the ground and landed which only minor ground shock on the ground. He looked around, it was still dark and John didn’t know how long he had been unconscious for, but it looked around midnight. He then raced with sharp knifes in each of his injured hands to help the girl who had saved his life even when he had endangered hers, the girl who helped him, the girl who he once hated, the girl he was finally about to save.

John stared at the empty black sky. His run slowed to a deliberate walk as he neared the office. Thoughts like, why are you doing this, why should you even care, bombarded him even though the answer was obvious. She had saved his life, when he hadn’t given a second thought about hers ending. John stood in front of the office door frozen in the knowledge his life could end tonight. Then he heard a blood curdling scream, probably Paige’s, which settled it, John was going in. He thrust out his hand, gripped the cold metal door handle, turned the handle and walked in.

As soon as John walked through the door he knew it was bad. Really bad. Furniture was strewn around, and the once painstakingly neat reception area was now a disarray of papers and furniture. Further down the corridor a chair was lodged in the wall. But John couldn’t hear any noises. The whole place was silent. But, thought John, he had heard a scream; he had heard everything that was happening via the intercom. Then, he remembered when his teacher sent him to retrieve the folders she had left in the staff room. Immediately John knew this was where Paige and the alien were, it was obvious. The single thought of going into the staffroom for a second time petrified John. Metal stairs coated in cobwebs connected the new, modern reception and office area to the old frightening, bloodcurdling staff room. Old chairs formed a frightening ring in the middle of the stained and daunting area. But the thing that really scared John was the rumor that an old teacher had committed suicide in the staff room. Normally, John didn’t listen to idiotic rumors like this one, but the fact that none of the teachers let alone students would ever step foot in that frightful room unless you really needed to. John shrugged and bought himself back to reality. He knew he would have to go up there, and he knew this was where it would end. With a knife clutched forcefully in each bruised and battered hand, John put a foot on the first of many grimy stairs and began to walk up to the room in which Paige and a alien were battling to the death, unsure if he’d ever walk back down.

As John neared the end of the stairs he began to hear crashes and thunderous screams. He sighed deeply and continued to climb each spooky, grimy, metal stair until he reached the top. For almost a minute John stared at the door, it had various stains that were hardly visible under the blackness of the night’s sky, thick cobwebs graced every centimeter of the large old fashioned wooden door. Crash! Something had hit the other side of the door and Paige’s earsplitting scream filled the still air. From that moment John felt disconnected from the terror of the night’s events and adrenaline rushed through his veins. Immediately he smashed open the door the find the alien looming over Paige. The alien’s vulgar half human, half alien face still managed to scare John. John quickly surveyed the room the neat circle of chairs were now flung around, some embedded in the wall. Paige seemed to be OK, but so did the alien. Paige stared at John in confusion with a look of ‘why would you come here’ plastered on her face. The look soon changed to understanding and relief when Paige saw the two knifes in Johns hand. She gestured for John to throw her a knife and he walked up to her, so they were now side by side and passed her a knife. They both turned their attention to the alien who now had a look of bemusement plastered on his face. He then looked at John and Paige’s knifes, chuckled and said “a knife? are you kidding me? you really think a knife will kill me?” John looked shocked as this was the first time the alien had ever really spoken. Paige shrugged and replied by throwing the knife in a dagger like style at the alien’s leg. The alien buckled over and clutched his wounded leg. Paige and John were shocked beyond belief when they saw bright neon green rush out of his deep wound. Paige recovered quickly from such a shock, snatched John’s knife and plunged in into the alien’s skull. Another flow of bright green blood came rushing out and formed a puddle around the aliens limp carcass. “Not only are you a monster you’re a liar too” Paige spat at the aliens lifeless body. John was frozen in shock because of the green blood and the fact the alien was finally dead. John was awoken from his deep relief when Paige ran up to John with tears in her eyes and wrapped him in a big bear hug. “John” she screamed “you’re okay!”
“Thanks, Paige I’m glad you’re okay as well” began John in a matter of fact tone “but I have something I have got to tell you”

“Wait” interrupted Paige “this place gives me the creep’s can we go to the library to talk instead”. John smiled and nodded

“Let’s go” he said.

So that was how Paige and John walked, hand in hand to the their school library. Once there John told Paige everything, about his plan to escape alone and Paige told John about what had happened when he was unconscious. Apparently Paige discovered John lying down in a pool of blood; she had then tied her jumper around his arm in attempt to stop the blood loss. She then dragged him to the science room where he’d be safe and she could continue to fight the alien, but the alien found out where she was and attacked her in the science room. Luckily the alien hadn’t seen John as Paige had hidden him under a table. Then the alien began to attack Paige, but fortunately the alien didn’t manage to hurt her. Subsequently for the rest of the time John was out cold, Paige tried to lead the alien to the their school office as it was far away from the science room. Then she realized John may be waking up soon, so while fighting she turned on the intercom therefore John could hear what as going on and go to the office where he would help her defeat the alien once and for all.

“I still can’t believe everything you did Paige” said John “and you still managed to defeat the alien by yourself”. Paige lifted her head from the book she was reading and smiled at John. It was about six in the morning and the sun was rising. For the past few hours John and Paige had been chatting, explaining, and apologizing about the events of the night before. A few questions were still nagging at John, but he decided not to ask. “Paige” John said “I’m sorry I was so horrible to you, about everything” Paige smiled, put her book down, and walked towards John “you know what” she began, while walking down the small flight of four stairs that connected the two levels of the library together, “I think…ouch!”. John quickly turned to see that Paige had cut herself on the sharp metal hand rail of the stairs. “Are you okay” John said while walking over to Paige who was bent over, clutching her hand. “Let’s have a look” John said in a friendly tone. “No!” screamed Paige “go away!” she said menacingly. “What?” said John in confusion? Without thinking, Paige got up and said “don’t look at it, it’s just a scratch “while by accidentallly lifting up her hand. John stared at her cut in alarm, dismay, incomprehension, and dread all before that single drop of neon green blood could hit the ground.


Hello everybody! Now that i am done eating gallons of left over party food i have decided it is time to do some blogging, and what a good time too! guess what? give up? OK, well i entered a competition, it is called the fabostory. Pretty much its just like that game where you write a sentence of a story and fold it over and pass it on.  well, it's sort of like that, except the sentence is a fabulous chapter you have written. i entered my version of chapter two ( you kind of have to read chapter one first) and no, i did not win... but i got a special mention!!! to see my funky skills just go the the fabo blog and click on the 'winning entries' and then it says

'But there were way too many excellent entries, so I couldn’t resist posting a couple of outstanding examples. This next one is by Ben  of -(my school went there)-. Read Ben’s story here …'

And because my story was such an 'excellent entry' i will share it with you, right here right now. I can tell you are crying with excitement.

The dream ended in blood, and tears. This one did anyway. Even after several years Remy couldn’t let it go. Each and every night, the dream followed the same exact path, Remy had memorized it word for word right up to the bit where Remy left the tent. Every night a different scenario played out in his unconscious mind. At first they were cheerful, matching Remy’s now deceased innocence.

But as the months flew by the dreams changed. The endings were now filled with gore and blood. Tonight’s dream had ended with a bear attack.

The dreams used to make perfect sense. But now as a thirteen year old, Remy lay under the filthy bed sheets, all he could do was cross analyse every dream with the logic with made him the much tormented teacher’s pet. In a weird way it kind of gave him closure.
All Remy could do was give a small melancholic laugh at his latest dream. ‘A bear, who had no fingerprints and left absolutely no DNA, had abducted his father.’

Remy lay in bed pondering the latest dream until he knew it was time to get up. He sighed as he heaved himself out of the comfortable but filthy bed. Ever since the fateful night, Remy’s mother Cynthia had been little more than a recluse in Remy’s family. And by family Remy just meant the two of them. Although he was called a ‘cynical creep’ by his peers at school Remy always tried to think of the bright side. ‘At least I won’t be reminded of the night by living in the same house’ a hopeful Remy thought to himself.

But it was no use, ever since his mum had pretty much given up on life; his old house had literally fallen apart. And because of his mothers ‘let’s sit in bed and mope around’ approach to life, their old house had been quickly sold by the bank, leaving them with the little money his mother hadn’t squandered away. They quickly moved into a low budget flat where they had ‘lived’ until they were evicted. They had continued this pattern of despair, until no landlord would take them and they decided to move into a low budget motel. Remy predicted they would be evicted in less than a fortnight due to the recent condition of the place.

At first Remy tried to help out his mother in her time of need, but as the months disappeared so did Remy’s admiration for her. Now he just saw her as a washed up woman too scared to face the world.

He despised her. Sure, he had obviously been sad and depressed but he got back to life and faced the world! But I suppose Remy hadn’t been the main suspect in the police inquiry.

Remy finally got out of bed plodded over to his closet but stopped himself before he took out his school uniform.
It was Sunday. Even though he was certainly not popular at school he dreaded weekends. In his opinion, the less time with his mother the better.

So as he crawled out into the filthy hallway, feeling the crunch of deceased cockroaches under his feet which used to disgust him, but now he just accepted it as part of his life. His mum’s door was firmly closed, nothing new there. Another thing that had nothing new was the fridge and pantry. Well, honestly they had nothing at all. He grabbed a twenty dollar note from his mum’s purse, which strangely always had a couple twenty bucks in it every morning. One of the many odd gestures to show Remy that she still cared. And even though Remy despised her he still cared too. In a weird sort of way.

Remy grabbed the crumpled notes and exited the crummy motel, jogging to the nearest dairy. Remy walked into the shop and grunted what could be perceived as a greeting to the stone-faced shop keeper. He grabbed a box of wheat bix and a two litre bottle of coke. It should last him for about a week. For lunches and dinner he simply ran out to the nearest takeaways.

 He tried a smile at the keeper as he exited the shop and sighed as he confronted the icy winter’s morning.

He raced back to the nearby motel, ate breakfast and waltzed back on into his bedroom. He stared around the plain room. A pile of homework lay on his laminate desk. He wouldn’t do it; at the school he attended currently homework was pretty much just given out and forgotten. Even then, he was still a teachers pet, but at the moment teachers pet meant he actually came to school and didn’t get involved in gang fights.

He sighed as he confronted the bland yet filthy room.

When he was younger he would try and make the best of the situation, but life had toughened him up. He knew what could be thrown at you and he sort of knew how to deal with it. Much unlike his mother, who had just woken up.

Not that it meant much. All she ever did was lie in bed, luckily Remy didn’t have any friends because he couldn’t come up with how he could explain his situation to them. Not that they would have cared anyway, kids in his area grew up in a very troubled environment, troubled, but much different to Remy’s. But today Remy felt an uncertain need to greet her.

When was the last time he had seen her? Remy’s mind though back wildly but he could not remember, it may have been last week. But all worried thoughts escaped Remy’s as he twisted the cheap and dusty door knob and entered his mother’s equally cheap and dusty bedroom.

AWESOME! right? well, in my opinion i think it is, if i had won i could have written some full out nitty gritty emotional and full out awesome story. but i didn't, if you want you can read the latest chapter. But between me and you its just about bears drinking detergent and hot sauce. FUN


Sure she's not popular, funny, or even good looking, but at least she's...there. Oh and she has the power to grow her fingernails. Sweet.

Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?

Meg (about Peter being retarded): I can never go to school again!
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Lois: And you know what? I'm gonna take that chance my father never let me take when I was younger. I'm gonna become a model!
Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois! And I'll pleasure myself to your photos.
Chris: Me too!
Meg: Me too!
Peter: Oh! Oh! God! Meg! That's sick! That's your mother!
Meg (shrugs): I'm just trying to fit in.
Peter: Get out! Get out of this house!

(Meg doesn't move. Peter punches wall.)
(Meg runs out and Peter closes the door.)
Peter: That's a good about your modeling, Lois.

Peter (In Asiatown): Oh my God it's Jackie Chan! (Asian guy walks away)
Peter (to next Asian guy): Oh my God it's Jackie Chan! (Asian guy again walks away)
Peter (to another Asian guy): Oh my God it's Jackie Chan!
Jackie Chan: Great to see I have a fan! Oh my God it's Ethan Hawk!
Peter: No I'm not.
Jackie Chan to Chris: Oh my God it's Ethan Hawk!
Chris: Nope.
Jackie Chan to Meg: Oh my God it's Malcom in Middle!
Meg: Im not a boy!
Jackie Chan: Yes you are.

Meg: Finally, look Mom I've had it. I'm not babysitting anymore. It's Saturday night I could be out having a life.
Lois: Meg, if you don't wanna babysit anymore that's fine, but don't you stand there and lie to me.
Peter: OH-HO Meg, she torched your ass man! She torched your ass.

Meg (to boy): Please go out with me. I'm just trying to make Neil jealous. I promise I'll pay and everything.
Boy: Yeah...uhh...that sounds cool but I'm gonna be in the hospital that night.
(shoots himself in the stomach with a nail gun)

Meg: Mom guess what! I made the Flag Girl squad
Stewie: Flag Girl? Ummmm, yes good for you... Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call!

(Lois reading Meg's diary with the rest of the family gathered around)

Lois: Dear Diary, Kevin is so hot. Today he was raking the yard. God I wish he'd throw me into that pile of leaves. (Laughter)
Meg: (Walks into the room) Hey what's everyone... Oh my God! You're reading my diary! I HATE YOU ALL! WHAAAAAAA! (Runs away crying)
Peter: (Opens beer) Keep going!

Meg: Hi, Craig. Umm, I was wondering if maybe you would want to, I don't know, go out sometime?
Craig Hoffman: Huh, that's about as likely as me playing by someone else's rules besides my own. Which I would never do. I play by my own rules, nobody else's, not even my own.
Meg: How 'bout a movie?
Craig: I don't go out with dudes.

Meg asks the guy in the shop class to go out on a date...)
Meg: Please go out with me. I am just trying to make Neil jealous. I promise I'll pay and everything.
Boy: Yeah, uh, that sounds cool, but I'm going to be in the hospital that night. (Boy shoots himself with the nail gun in the stomach.) OHHHOWWW!! (in pain, drags himself away)

Meg: Wow! This looks just like my room at home!
Lois: Yeah! Except for all of the trophies and pictures of friends.

Meg: Can I be in the play, Mom?
Stewie: Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.

Peter: I've had a good life. And you can always be proud of your father and all of his accomplishments.
Meg: What accomplishments?
Peter: Go to your room.

(Meg walks in after getting a make-over)
Meg: Look everybody I got a makeover!!
Peter: Aw, Meg I thought you were always beautiful...(bursts out laughing). Whoa, coudn't do that with a straight face, huh? Chris, go burn all of Meg's old pictures.

RIP grimace

I’ve got some sad news to share with everyone.
Grimace from McDonaldland is dead.

Yes, it’s true, that lovable, huggable retard is dead. He’s left us with nothing but sweet memories of his cottage cheese thighs and now we must find a way to cope (before the tears start to flow, feel free to take a moment to visit your local McDonalds for some comfort food).

Born in 1971 to Frown and Clench Jones of Dutch ancestry, he quickly outgrew his surroundings (literally and figuratively). During his adolescent years he suffered discrimination due his abnormally large toes and extra set of arms. Desperately trying to find himself, he moved to the sprawling city of McDonaldland, where things quickly took a turn for the worse.

He became engulfed in a life of petty crime and risky nutritional behavior, leading to numerous stints in jail. One such event involved Grimace single handedly beating the crap out of each and every member of the Burger King Kid’s Club with no regard to race, disability or species.

But nothing compared to an infamous incident in the summer of 1978. Grimace found himself in deep trouble with the law after a robbery spree consisting of stealing eight extra-large milkshakes from every McDonalds Restaurant in the Greater McDonaldland Area, a feat even the Hamburgler in his prime would never have attempted.

                                                           Scene of infamous crime.

His actions created a media frenzy, putting Grimace on the world’s stage. The New York Times headline the following day read:

“The Evil Grimace: Ronald knows is round and purple and has big toes. He carries shakes in every hand as he scurries through McDonaldland.”

After spending 18 months in a state penitentiary, Grimace returned to the public forefront both humbled and enlightened. In an effort to shed his ‘evil’ past, he elected to surgically remove his big toes as well as his extra pair of arms. The surgery was revolutionary in the fact that it had never been attempted before and carried the risk of death throughout the procedure. The operation was also notorious for being the first successful surgery performed by Dr. Robert Rey, of E!’s Dr. 90210 fame.

Although he rarely spoke of his time in jail, he candidly discussed it during a 60 Minutes interview in 1999:
“I basically just watched alot of Richard Simmons videos. He taught me, you should always try to lose weight, even if you’ve tried for thirty years and look like a purple retard and nothing has come of exercising. Just keep trying.”

                                          “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.”

In the years following, Grimace was a big part of the McDonalds family. Time and time again, he teamed with Ronald to take down the Hamburgler. It looked as if Grimace had finally turned things around. At one point he was so popular that there was a Children’s book written based on his life.
Excerpt from the book:
Grimace is a big, loving, fuzzy purple fellow who is Ronald McDonald’s best friend. He’s sure Ronald is the world’s ultimate authority on everything. While Grimace loves all McDonald’s foods, he’s absolutely crazy about milkshakes. Grimace is very enthusiastic and eager to try new things. His joyous spirit helps everyone overlook the fact he’s a little slow and clumsy sometimes.

Unfortunately, the things he was “eager” and “enthusiastic” to try were hard drugs. A drug habit triggered by a falling out with Ronald sent shockwaves through the community. Apparently, the tension began when Ronald and Grimace both fell in love with the same girl (pictured below).


Although he preached his “Fit Life” mantra, he never managed to fully steer away from is life long diet of 10 shakes, 16 Big Macs, 46 Extra-Large fries and 1 salad, per meal. Friends and family knew it was only a matter of time before he succumbed to his unquenchable thirst for trans fats (not to be confused with fat trannies). In late 2007, he had reached a monumental weight of 2900 lbs.

                                                            Seconds before his death.

Although the actual cause of death has not been determined, he likely died of from a combination of fatness and drug overdose…but mostly the fatness because you honestly would have to round up all the drugs in the world to die from a drug overdose if you were THAT FAT.


COOKIE MONSTER thinks about what he has done

Me know. Me have problem.

Me love cookies. Me tend to get out of control when me see cookies. Me know it not natural to react so strongly to cookies, but me have weakness. Me know me do wrong. Me know it isn't normal. Me see disapproving looks. Me see stares. Me hurt inside.

When me get back to apartment, after cookie binge, me can't stand looking in mirror—fur matted with chocolate-chip smears and infested with crumbs. Me try but me never able to wash all of them out. Me don't think me is monster. Me just furry blue person who love cookies too much. Me no ask for it. Me just born that way.

Me was thinking and me just don't get it. Why is me a monster? No one else called monster on Sesame Street. Well, no one who isn't really monster. Two-Headed Monster have two heads, so he real monster. Herry Monster strong and look angry, so he probably real monster, too. But is me really monster?

Me thinks me have serious problem. Me thinks me addicted. But since when it acceptable to call addict monster? It affliction. It disease. It burden. But does it make me monster?

How can they be so callous? Me know there something wrong with me, but who in Sesame Street doesn't suffer from mental disease or psychological disorder? They don't call the vampire with math fetish monster, and me pretty sure he undead and drinks blood. No one calls Grover monster, despite frequent delusional episodes and obsessive-compulsive tendencies. And the obnoxious red Grover—oh, what his name?—Elmo! Yes, Elmo live all day in imaginary world and no one call him monster. No, they think he cute. And Big Bird! Don't get me started on Big Bird! He unnaturally gigantic talking canary! How is that not monster? Snuffleupagus not supposed to exist—woolly mammoths extinct. His very existence monstrous. Me least like monster. Me maybe have unhealthy obsession, but me no monster.

No. Me wrong. Me too hard on self. Me no have unhealthy obsession. Me love cookies, but it no hurt anyone. Me just enthusiast. Everyone has something they like most, something they get excited about. Why not me? Me perfectly normal. Me like cookies. So what? Cookies delicious. Cookies do not make one monster. Everyone loves cookies.

Me no monster. Me OK guy. Me OK guy who eat cookies.

Who me kidding? Me know me never actually eat cookies. Me only crumble cookies in mouth, but me no swallow. Me can't swallow. Me no have no esophagus. Me no have no trachea. Me only have black fabric throat. Me not supposed to be able to even talk.

Me no eat cookies.
Me destroy cookies.
Me crush cookies.
Me mutilate cookies.
Me make it so no one get cookies.

Everyone right. Me really is cookie monster.